i've never been in love

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day!

Yup, we are getting into the nitty-gritty personal shit. SO FUN I’M SO PUMPED TO BE VULNERABLE ON THE INTERNET.

No but for real, bear with me because this is slightttttly difficult.

So, I’ve never been in love. Not a huge surprise considering I’m 18 and still in high school. But, I’ve not only never been in love; I feel like I’ve never really liked someone.

When I think of the guys I’ve had crushes on and talked to, I realize that the time I spent with them wasn’t really that great. And it wasn’t necessarily their fault (though sometimes it was), it was more about the fact that I didn’t act like myself around them, so I wasn’t comfortable whenever I spent time with them.

I’m pretty good at reading people. It’s not too hard to figure out what a guy wants in a girl. So, I morphed myself to be the girl that I knew he wanted. My personality has virtually changed with every guy I’ve been with. And because I was putting on a show, none of them really got to know me. That’s why we never spent any quality time together and I never truly felt comfortable around them.

In talking to my friends about this, I’ve realized that sooooo many people focus more on “Do they like me? rather than asking themselves, “Do I really like them?”. If I step back and observe the boys of my past and ask, “Do I really like them as human beings?”, a lot of the time the answer is “Eh, not really.”

I’ve only hurt myself by doing all of this. I’ve gone through high school without ever feeling a real, honest connection with anyone I was romantically interested in. I regret changing myself to be who I thought boys would like. It’s skewed my perception of myself and what I deserve. When you let yourself get treated like shit, you start to think that you deserve to get treated like shit.

I know it’s hard to believe while you're in the tight-knit bubble of a community that is high school, but there are good people out there. Don’t lower your standards just because you haven’t found them yet.

That’s another thing that I feel like has been instituted in me for absolutely no reason; this whole idea that something is better than nothing. It’s not! I’ve had that “they're-not-right-for-me'' gut feeling before, but I’ve ignored it because, “Well hey, at least I’m not alone.” Being with someone who isn’t good enough and isn’t making your life better more often than they’re making it worse isn’t fucking worth it. I’ve changed my perspective to be just as happy when I’m not talking to someone as when I am. Talking to someone awesome? Great! Fun! Exciting! Not talking to anyone because no one is meeting my standards right now? Great! More time to read/spend time with friends/etc./etc.!

It’s hard not to get caught up in boys (or girls) and sex and “Oh my god, do they like me???”. It’s super fun and exciting (as it should be!). Just remember that if they aren't who you need them to be in order to better your life and if you feel like you can’t be yourself around them, it might not be the right relationship. And that’s ok! I’ve never been in love, but I believe that one day I will be. And when I am, I won’t feel like I need to be xyz for that person, I’ll just be my loud, blunt, and slightly-overbearing self. I’m done settling (and you should be too).