consent & hookup culture

I think about sex a lot.

Come on–you couldn't look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t. It’s not like it’s all that’s ever on my mind, but it’s pretty difficult not to consider the topic quite often. Sex is everywhere and in everything; the books we read, the TV shows we watch, and the songs we listen to.

On top of all that, I’m a teenager with raging hormones being constantly released into my bloodstream.

There are so many things related to sex that can (and should!) be talked about in a more open manner. In the 19th century, young girls only knew sex to be “the act that produces babies” and were typically only allowed the luxury of learning what exactly that “act” is on their wedding night. And let me just tell you, contrary to what Netflix’s “Bridgerton” has you believing, men were not always as kind as to try to generate anything other than their own pleasure on said wedding night, or during the rest of their marriage for that matter.

While we’ve come a long way since those days, I still question a lot of things about sex. I’ve recently been thinking about consent: what it means in today’s world and what, as learned from my own experiences and struggles, it should truly mean.

We live in a world in which consent is a “murky” and “debatable” topic. Questions like, “Was she really that drunk?” are posed as totally acceptable things to ask, even in a court of law. In delving into a situation in which consent is questioned, we place so much value on whether the word “no” was clearly stated and almost none on if the individual explicitly said “yes.”

The very definition of the word consent is the act of giving permission. If you say “no”, you are denying that permission, but does not saying “no” mean you are automatically saying yes? Why is silence perceived as consent? Unless it was thoroughly discussed by you and your partner –or partners (no judgment here)– beforehand, if someone starts doing something that you never said they could do, you technically never gave them consent.

And no, I’m not saying that “Can I touch you here?” and “Is this okay?” needs to be asked every single time a hand (or anything else) moves. I just think that before you take the next step, you should ask whether they’re into it or not, actually give them time to respond, and make sure they are in the right headspace to be able to respond.

This is why hookup culture fucking sucks. You start flirting with someone, probably “not in your right state of mind” (if you know what I mean), and that flirting leads to kissing and all of the sudden they’re unbuttoning their pants and you’re thinking, “Um, wait a sec. When exactly did I say I wanted to go down on you?” But, you do it anyway because you feel that it’s expected of you; “What if they don’t like me if I say I’m not feeling it? I don’t want to make this a big deal…”

Then you wake up the next morning and realize that’s exactly what you did; you made it a big deal by going through with something that you hadn’t put quality thought into nor planned on doing.

Some version of this story is, unfortunately, all-too-familiar for lots of people (though mostly girls).

Let me be the first to tell you that:

1. Just because this probably wouldn’t hold up in court as an act of rape or sexual assault, doesn’t mean that it’s okay that it happened. (FYI, it is rape or sexual assault if you were drunk to an extreme, underage, or under the influence of a drug that could be considered to have majorly impaired your judgment).

2. Blaming yourself is not going to help. Could you have prevented it from happening? Maybe. But you shouldn’t have to refrain from experimenting with alcohol or your sexuality in fear that you could be taken advantage of (though this is an utterly valid worry). Could you have spoken up and told them that you didn’t want to _____? Again, maybe, but who knows what the response would have been. I often feared that things would get worse if I said anything.

3. It’s okay if hookup culture isn’t for you. It’s difficult to feel like we shouldn’t like it, as we’re supposed to “have fun” and “make memories” while we’re young (according to every coming-of-age movie, like, ever). But, if you consider only your feelings, is it what you want to be doing? If it is, great, but if it isn’t, that’s okay too. I’ve had to figure that out the hard way. I have established that I can’t have fun for a night and not catch feelings/ think about it for weeks after/ worry about what people think of me because of it.

My therapist once told me that in deciding whether or not to do something, you have to determine if the consequences are worth the action. In my case, the consequences of participating in hookup culture are greater than the reward. The sinking feeling I have the next morning and the worry and self-resentment aren’t worth the instant gratification of it.

In all honesty, I haven't always honored this aspect of myself; maybe it’s because at the moment I felt reckless or lonely or just plain horny (yeah, newsflash: girls get horny too). I have fallen victim to ignoring the repercussions because I really, really wanted to. But, the fun of it never lasts long and it always bites me in the ass the next morning.

This is why I’m going to try and approach relationships differently now. I’m making an attempt to believe that I deserve what I want: someone who, to be blunt, cares about more than just fucking me. Someone who wants to get to know me and listen to me. Someone who I want to just spend time with and gets me excited.

Part of the reason it’s taken me so long to realize that this is what I want and deserve is that hookup culture is so normal. Not asking for clear-cut permission is so normal. Trying to swallow how you feel because of how you think you should feel is so normal. But, that doesn’t make it right or validate it. We all deserve what we truly want when it comes to sex and love, whether it be one-night stands or a committed relationship.

So, join my effort in staying true to what we want, rather than what we feel like we should.