priorities

Long time, no see! I have not written anything other than essays for my AP English exam or scathing remarks about the people that piss me off in my diary in almost two months. In the short bit that this blog has existed, this has been my first major break.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve been so busy that I couldn’t have even imagined fitting in some time to write. But, the truth is, I’ve sat down to stare at a blank doc on my computer screen multiple times. The feelings that followed doing so were frustration, anger, irritation, laziness, and an overall lack of motivation. I haven’t felt like writing, plain and simple as that. The words that I did manage to get on the page just didn’t look or sound right, leading to them being promptly deleted and forgotten.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that, not to toot my own horn or anything, I really liked my last article. Writing it felt liberating and exciting, and posting it felt even more so. I’ve been worried about what to do next; how can I top what I wrote last? But I’ve realized that I just need to get over it; there aren't great articles without the ones that are just okay. So here I am, writing a subpar article so my last one looks even better (just kidding, I’m going to try to make it good, I promise, please keep reading).

Having not written much lately has had me thinking about my priorities. What else have I allowed to take a back seat in my life lately, even though it’s important to me? What am I spending too much time on that isn’t worth my energy?

I did a little exercise with myself that was actually really cool. I printed out a picture of the outline of the brain. On one side, I wrote all of the things that I spend the most time thinking about and what takes up space in my brain. On the other side, I traced the brain outline and wrote down what I want to spend my time thinking about, ideally.

Current Brain

Ideal Brain

As you can see, there is some overlap, but they are very different. The parts that are blocked out in my “current brain” are specific people’s names that you don’t need to know (I know I share a lot on here, but I’m not going to be that transparent). There is a lot more balance in my ideal brain, while my current brain is mostly occupied by a few big things. I can see that my current brain is much more focused on things that concern how other people see me, while my ideal brain has more of what I want to do for myself and to help others.

When we think about wasting our time, we usually think of scrolling through TikTok for an hour or procrastinating homework by doodling with a pen on our wrist. We don’t think of wasting our time thinking about things that aren’t worth thinking about. It’s hard to be conscious of this, as we often daydream and worry about things without realizing that we are doing it. I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve spent worrying about how my stomach looked in a picture I took with my friends at the beach or whether x-person thinks I’m pretty or smart or funny. I’m wasting my energy.

A new period of my life is beginning soon. I’m trying to figure out how to go about it. I want to make my ideal brain a reality. I want to stick to my priorities. I want a life with more balance, rather than the drastic up and down I feel like I’ve been living lately.

So, no more wasting my precious thinking! I’m going to need to make an active effort to prevent myself from ruminating about things that don’t positively serve me or others.

Try the brain exercise yourself! It’s truly helpful.