bigger picture

So I’m sitting in class and it's 10:40 in the morning and my brain suddenly decides that I need to decide what to do with my life right now. It seems that I can only look at the “big picture” at the most inconvenient times, as in, when I’m supposed to be writing the first page of my ethical research paper. What do I want exactly? What do I need to do in the next 10 years so I don’t look back and think, “Wow, what a waste of time.” I want to make a podcast, and write a book, and have my own apartment, and have a boyfriend at some point.

I think my teacher just saw me type the word “boyfriend” and probably thinks that I’m ranting about my life in Google Docs, which is just sad.

Ok, I just realized that that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I’m looking at the other kids in my class and wondering whether they think the same things. Is the quiet boy in the corner with his airpods in scrolling through Sommer Ray’s Instagram or researching how he can become a Wall Street tycoon? Is the girl who literally will not shut up doing so because she's just a kiss-ass or because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to?

Time check: 10:51. I’m hungry and my fingers cannot keep up with my brain this morning. I just realized I do not know how to type properly. I literally only use my pointer fingers. I need to learn how to actually type before college so I’m not embarrassed. I’ll just add it to my never-ending list of “shit I wanna get done but when I actually have time to do it I just end up scrolling through TikTok instead."

Anyways, back to the “bigger picture”. My ethics teacher taught us about how Aristotle thinks that the main goal in life for all humans is happiness.

This concept seems so simple to state but I had never really thought about it. I mean I guess that’s true. When I think about my goals in life (successful writer or lawyer or whatever, NYC apartment, travel, etc.) I’ve never really asked myself why these are my goals. I guess I think they will make me happy. When I picture them, I get a kind-of warm

feeling in my stomach and my brain is like, “yeah, okay, that sounds good.”

Isn’t it crazy that, to someone else, those goals don’t give them that warm and fuzzy feeling? Maybe they get excited about building robots or owning a farm and having seven children some day (which to me, sounds worse than stapling my fingers together).

11:03. Lunch starts in 2 minutes. Thank God, I’m starving.

Ok, that was some intense stuff for a Tuesday morning. But I like these "journal entries". I'm going to try to do them every once in a while...